Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 2,237 Location: nr Southampton
|
Hello all, One of my other hats is as an adoption support expert parent. this is an article I wrote and for any of you considering adoption in the next few months and years. It has now been published!  so I thought you might like to see it.
Things to do at the start of placement.
Over 7 years ago when my little people arrived I think I was totally clueless about where to start to be honest. The sudden arrival of 2 children who needed organising, caring for and specialist levels of support I found totally overwhelming and I think I was very shell shocked for a good 6 months perhaps longer.
Since then I have learnt a lot about the things I wish I had done when mine were smaller at the start of placement and I am going to attempt to pass these onto you. The hit of the realities of adoptive life came later, over time, and I would say not to beat yourself up over thinking you should feel X Y and Z when the reality of expectation and reality meet it can take some time to feel your feet in this.
Before you experienced adopters think “this article is not for me” have a read of the ideas here- particularly the second Holly Van Gulden article as there may be for you (as there were for me) things that we have not tried or missed and are able to put in years later.
Firstly “funnelling” techniques.
There are 2 articles on the adoption uk website about applying this but in a nut shell it advocates limiting the amount of contact with other people early in placement to the minimum possible, gives clear reasoning and practical ideas for doing this.
http://www.adoptionuk.org/view_special.asp?id=182
The second article for the site, goes through the key points of developing attachment that young babies go through and need to be revisited by older children (she did a lot of these with her teenage children who had missed the stages or not experienced them fully.)
http://www.adoptionuk.org/view_special.asp?id=183
Finally- here are the ten tips for the start of placement in the first year.
1. Think YOUNGER and nurture your child.
Feed on demand. Respond quickly to fussing and avoid the controlled crying techniques that well attached “normal start” families use. With a younger child use a sling and even with older children, keep them close with you and allow them to regress using bottles, toddler/ baby toys and simple stories and games. Play games that promote eye contact, like peekaboo, mirroring, and hide-and-seek. Brush their hair, rub in cream and remember the sensory stuff is really important (smells, soft music, lighting is for soothing a child). Make it really clear that good consistent food and care comes from you and that you are positive around food. This will not harm your child and make them over dependent, it will help them to quell some inner anxiety, begin to develop trust in you as the most important care giver. The overly confident child who goes to anyone and gets picked up all the time is a child who cannot fully trust and it is therefore a false independence because they think that the only person they can rely on is themselves. Avoid over night stays for the first year of placement anywhere but home (not always possible but try and apply as a general rule).
2. Teach children to play- give them new and varied experiences of life.
Set aside at least half an hour a day for play with your children. With younger ones, break this into small sections of time. They should play with you, choosing the activity to start with, do a lot of “wondering” out loud and keep the questions to a minimum. Try and enjoy it yourself and promote their sense of wonder at the new. Try and do something together that makes you laugh and that was really fun. Start simple and with a child who struggles to concentrate start with short periods of time and build up. Try and vary the sensory aspects of activities ie playing in the park swings one day, exploring the sand pit another, sticking stickers and doing face paints another. Show the children how to care for things and explain why it is a good idea. Be curious and imaginative and gasp at how clever something is, take time to do this.
3. Mum (or Dad) “ese”
Use the sing song, gentle tones you would with a little new born baby especially when you are showing the children something new. Use simple one or two step instructions and repeat them often. Try not to show your frustration when they appear not to hear, take in or listen fully. Praise them and give them lots of “I love you” reassurances. If your child shrinks from your touch, wink at them, gentle touch of the hand, eskimo kisses of rub noses, draw a pizza on their backs.
4. When toddlers or older children are not keeping their hands, feet (or teeth!) to themselves.
Physically (gently) divert the child when you spot that a stealthy whack is on its way, use your body to move them and give the attention to the “harmed” party. Some great techniques for this are to say “Yeah pattercake” and get your hand under theirs QUICK! Or just to move them out of the way and distract them with something quickly. For little biters consider getting some teething rings and for little pickers try and get some things that the child can safely fiddle with.
Teach them to touch and handle other people and animals with care and trace eachothers faces with your fingers to promote that bonding. Make positive comments about the childrens’ features and notice something different each time you try this.
5. Look after yourself.
Model eating well, sleeping well and looking after yourself so your children learn that they too can learn to have this self respect. Take time to look after your relationships. Take the impact of living with a child who has suffered early loss and trauma seriously.
Remember that underneath being a parent that you are an individual in your own right and learn something new for you- take up an art class, learn a language, try salsa dancing whatever floats your boat. Plan in relaxation times and book the time to go to have your nails done, a couple of hours at the driving range- whatever helps you relax.
6. adoption support groups.
You will need more support than a family who has had a birth child because you have lived through the stress of a pregnancy with no due date for a start. Followed by this is all the trauma and early loss impacts on the child that others struggle to understand. Although a strong support network is helpful getting people around you who really understand is really important for your own well being. Cyber support groups are also very helpful.
7. Keep it simple, calm but interesting.
Often children who were neglected or suffered inconsistent care were very understimulated and they struggle to cope with the lively loudness of modern homes. Be sensitive to this and keep things simple and calm. Feely boxes of interesting things like a fir cone, tin foil, cotton wool, avacado stone, sewing cards, fuzzy felts can be very soothing, interesting and easy to do.
The children are likely to be attracted to chaotic children and families as they are somehow “wired” into this level of stimulation but it is your job to heavy shepherd them into making appropriate friendships and being able to be calm and contained. Use simple routines and visual timetables to help the children feel secure and extend these to add a little, low key element of surprise as the children begin to know you.
8. Explain who you are and what your role is.
As a child can start to understand, spell out that Mummy makes you dinner because she loves you. If a child is rejecting of care or refuses to wash/ look after themselves or their stuff show them the steps like you would a much younger child and explain that this is so the child looks “cared for” because they are.
In simple terms drop in the terms adoption, foster carer and birth mum/ birth dad (or whatever terms you use) and make for yourself a life story book based on the childs life now, but you didn’t always live here (as outlined in Life Story Books for Adopted Children
A Family Friendly Approach by Joy Rees- this model is used by the acclaimed Family Futures centre in London.)
9. After a year if things are not quite right.
Have a look at the Caroline Archer “Parenting the child who hurts” books for a more comprehensive list but watch out for: children should be seeking out their parents for affection and play. They should be showing off for positive attention. They should prefer being with the parent. They should show some excitement about time together.
When hurt or distressed, the child should seek out the parent. In a secure attachment, the child will calm with the parent and accept soothing.
Trauma and traumatic grief are the common culprits when children are remaining wary, fearful, and controlling of their parents. Signs of trauma with younger children include regular night terrors, dissociation (child shuts off emotionally and stares away), scratching, biting, extreme moods, freezing in place, and destructiveness. If your parental instinct is telling you that there is something that is not quite right, you are probably right.
There is a lot I could write about developmental trauma and attachment but in the first yr consider that a lot of it might be too over whelming so I have left this off here- there is much more available through the AUK boards on this.
Do not have an artificial timeline of “fixed in a year,” for the baby, toddler or older child. The year marker is really the time it takes for you to get to know your child—not to iron out any behavioural stuffs. There is something almost mystical about the 3 year point into placement when many adopters seek formal assistance for the first time.
There is support and help available Post Adoption Services, CAMHS, Adoption Uk and the Post Adoption Centre are all sources of help. Seeking this help is no form of failure it is just that the needs of the children need some professional input.
10. Be positive, kind, empathic and playful.
Do not get yourself into the negativity, nagging trap. Remember to have fun and to try and laugh everyday with your child. Show kindness by the gentleness of your voice and the provision of care you can offer. Explain that this might be hard for your child now, but you have faith that they will be able to do it “soon”. Remember to use humour, to think “younger” when dealing with your child and to grit your teeth and be patient. Progress may be slow but you will be able to look back over the first year and realise how far you have come.
These 10 points have been summarised and combined with various bits of information from the adoption uk boards over the years. Hope you found them helpful.
how to be a velvet bulldoser
|
Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 2,237 Location: nr Southampton
|
oh no!
I have just looked and the links to the articles dont work on the new adoption uk website!
Basically the article was all about considering the adoptive child as a new born baby. so restrict the amount of people coming over. feed on demand, lots of unconditional admiration and love for the child.
here are some other articles about it.
Holly van gulden has done this great bk called "real parents, real children" with this stuff in- there is a lot there for prospectives and adopters and I found it easy to follow and digestible.
http://www.irishtimes.co...0210/1233867928364.html
http://www.nysccc.org/wp...2008/11/stablechild.pdf
more general information including some very useful articles on the cycle of attachment and using it to think about where a child is likely to be attachment wise is handy IMO
http://www.danceofattachment.org/Index.html
Thankfully the editor emailed me or I would have looked a bit silly! Lol!
Jenni xhow to be a velvet bulldoser
|
|
Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009
Posts: 1,035
Location: in a house
|
jenni that is brillant what you wrote here as almost went down that rote but had my loveley boy . christine The chocolate eating housewife ...The washer woman .....naughty lady
|
